Most people apologize formally and insincerely, and this hurts relationships. Coach Andy Molinski talks about four mistakes we make when we apologize.
Admitting your mistakes is difficult, and apologizing for them is even more difficult — you need to look the person in the eye, find the right words, choose the right intonation. However, an apology is indispensable if you want to save the relationship.
Perhaps you, like many others, make one or more common mistakes.
1. Empty apologies
You say, «Well, I’m sorry» or «I’m sorry» and you think that’s enough. An empty apology is just a shell with nothing inside.
Sometimes you feel that you did or said something wrong, but you are so angry, disappointed or annoyed that you do not even try to figure out what is your fault and what can be done to correct the situation. You just say the words, but don’t put any meaning into them. And this is obvious to the person to whom you are apologizing.
2. Excessive apologies
You exclaim, «I’m so sorry! I feel terrible!” or “I’m so sorry about what happened that I can’t sleep at night! Can I make amends somehow? Well, tell me that you are no longer offended by me!
Apologies are needed to correct a mistake, resolve differences, and thus improve relationships. Excessive apologies do not help. You draw attention to your feelings, not to what you did wrong.
Such apologies only draw attention to you, but do not solve the problem.
Sometimes excessive emotions do not correspond to the degree of guilt. For example, you should have prepared copies of a document for all meeting participants, but you forgot to do so. Instead of succinctly apologizing and promptly correcting the situation, you begin to beg for forgiveness from your boss.
Another form of over-apologizing is to repeat over and over that you are sorry. So you literally force the interlocutor to say that he forgives you. In any case, excessive apologizing is not focused on the person you harmed, what happened between you, or repairing your relationship.
3. Incomplete apology
You look the person in the eye and say, «I’m sorry this happened.» Such apologies are better than excessive or empty ones, but they are not very effective either.
A sincere apology that aims to mend the relationship has three essential components:
- taking responsibility for one’s role in the situation and expressing regret,
- просить вибачення
- a promise to do everything possible so that what happened would never happen again.
There is always something missing in an incomplete apology. For example, you may admit that you are partly to blame for what happened, but do not express regret or ask for forgiveness. Or you can refer to the circumstances or actions of another person, but not to mention your responsibility.
4. Заперечення
You say, «I’m sorry it happened, but it’s not my fault.» You would be happy to apologize, but your ego does not allow you to admit your mistake. Perhaps you are too angry or disappointed, so instead of sincerely admitting your guilt, you defend yourself and deny everything. Denial won’t help you rebuild a relationship.
Try to control your emotions and focus on what happened and on the person. If you feel that emotions are overwhelming you, take a time out and calm down. It is better to apologize a little later, but calmly and sincerely.